What’s your husband’s fault if you won’t have sex with him? Seven points to consider

It is common for women to tell me that they don’t have sex with their husbands because they don’t feel emotionally close to him. In long-term monogamous relationships, however, emotional closeness and sexual closeness rarely converge. Therefore, you may not be at fault for not having sex with your husband. Perhaps there are many other issues that you haven’t considered. When you think about these other reasons, you and your husband can take a more team-oriented approach to solve the problem of you not wanting to sleep with him. (Note: there are many reasons that may be his fault; to learn more, read this.)


As I have discussed in numerous posts, women’s desire decreases significantly within long-term relationships. It wouldn’t matter if your husband wasn’t Mr. Helpful Around The House even if he were fresh meat. Women’s biological wiring and hormones are at fault here.
You might have enabled your husband to continue thinking he is better in bed than he is. You do not reveal yourself because you feel shy and then you wind up not wanting to have sex since it sucks. Fault here: Your dislike of hurting people’s feelings (short term; think me, not having sex with him injures his feelings much more long term).
You do not like your body and don’t like to be naked. Fault here: society, media. Go to therapy and deal with these body image concerns that you do not should have to have (and remember you want to design good body image for your kids!).
Your sex life is boring and you do not know how to change it up. Fault: maybe his, possibly yours, most likely both of you stopped trying and find it uncomfortable to talk about.
Your husband is no longer appealing to you. Fault: both of you. You probably don’t tell him about hygiene, clothes, weight, and so on as much as you require to, and he is getting careless most likely since he does not see the point of trying to look good-looking and well-created when he’s not getting any action. For anyone who is going to say this is a gender issue, I have personally seen women go to the health club when their partner mentions that this is very important to them and I have a lot of respect for anybody of any gender who can roll with this feedback and use it as an incentive. (Although I do think it’s a dick relocate to bring up weight when your other half has a year-and-a-half-old infant.).
You have a great deal of concerns around sex and even an abuse history that you have not and do not want to deal with. Fault: whoever did this to you, upbringing and/or abuser. You need and should have therapy to resolve this and have the sex life and self-confidence that you or anyone deserves.


You’re just made with sex. This didn’t used to be such a shameful concept before recent years when older people are expected to in some way maintain the exact same physical fitness levels and libido of people years their junior. Numerous ladies used to simply be done making love at a certain age and their partners would either also be done or inconspicuously cheat or leave. Nowadays, however, in the cult of the fountain of youth, I see some women who would rather be done with sex, particularly post-menopause, but can not confess this to their husbands, so they provide some runaround about psychological nearness. Fault: society. If this is you, and you just don’t want sex ever once again and truly feel a deep biological change from your younger self in this regard, you owe it to your partner to be real with him about this and overcome it in some manner or another (which suggests he may leave).
If any of these points speak to you, do an internal deep dive. Are you unconsciously informing yourself that you would have sex only if your spouse did X or Y or Z however the reality is something various. If so, you owe it to your marital relationship and to your other half, in addition to yourself, to be more genuine and open with him about your inner ideas and feelings. You can only attend to a problem when both individuals understand what the problem is, and ignoring issues (or worse, blaming one partner completely for an issue that is not entirely their fault) wears down nearness and connection in a relationship.

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