In reality, many people stay in their comfort zones while claiming to be the best partners they can be. When you look closely, they may think they are being kind or even selfless, but they are still not considering their partner’s own desires and love language. Even if you insist that the problems in your relationship are all your partner’s fault, you can be more objective about whether you are being the best partner you can be. Think about whether your partner’s friends or peers would consider them lucky to have you as a partner.
In every discussion I have with males about relationship problems and everyday gestures, I tell them, “Your audience is her Instagram followers.” The audience would be their best friend, their sister, or the teenage version of their wife who wished for a romantic, loving marriage one day if they were literal and said their wife isn’t on social media.
Everyone wants to feel lucky, and the majority of people value the opinions of their friends and family. Even if they don’t share everything you do, they still know what would make their friends say “”””Wow! They are a keeper, you’re so fortunate.”””” In the above stock photo, you see a couple gladly preparing a meal together. Normally, this scene would make the woman’s pals say, “”””Aww, that’s so cute that he enjoys spending time with you like that.””””
If a male told his pals that he and his other half cook together every night, some would be impressed if they are the one who manages all the meals (something I see more and more in couples counseling) however most would rule out him as a lucky man. We can go off on a tangent about social mores and gender paradigms or just say that it’s a known amount that this stock photo would need to include an X-rated activity in the cooking area for a guy’s good friend to say he’s a fortunate man.
Here are some pretty apparent ones when you use this lens:
My partner’s friends would believe it was so charming if I published about just how much I like her on social networks
My husband’s pals would believe I was really cool if I got him tickets to an occasion he enjoys
My better half’s friends would be jealous if I got home with flowers and a sweet card for no factor
My other half’s good friends would be jealous to know we had sex 5 times on our 3-day trip
If you are believing, “”This is a really shallow concept, I like my partner and I don’t care about what their good friends think,then you are probably some variation of people who say that Valentine’s Day is a trademark vacation or ladies who say that blowjobs are just in porn. Check out here about the equivalency of oral sex for guys and romance for females. Sure, you don’t care about what your partner’s buddies think as an end to itself. However, you most certainly ought to appreciate what your partner’s peer group considers an excellent partner to be, since that most likely has 99% overlap with what your partner wants, no matter whether they minimize it or not.
Why does not your partner constantly state what they want straight? Well, it is very hard for people to request for their requirements to be satisfied, especially if they were taught in youth not to have any requirements. Many workhorse guys and people-pleasing females do not reveal what they desire straight. To counterbalance your partner’s tendency to downplay their needs, try to engage in more mainstream, universal gestures of love and affection. Also recognize that if your partner mentions something their friend’s spouse did, they likely want you to do it too, even if they walk this back when you have a dismissive reaction. Like this:
Husband: Jim said he and Mary are trying a swinger’s club.
You: GROSS! You wouldn’t want to be with someone like Mary, believe me. What a walking STD. Right??
Husband: … yeah. or
Wife: Jim got Mary a new car as a surprise.
Husband: Well that’s pretty patronizing, I know you would want to pick out your own car. Right??
Wife: … yeah.
In both of the above cases, a more appropriate response would be, “”””Wow! Would that be something you would like?”””” Whether or not you want to be a swinger or buy a new car, you would be opening up the pathways of communication rather than cementing them closed out of your own biases and defensiveness (it is not hard to see that the husband feels attacked for not being spontaneous and generous and the wife feels attacked for not being wilder in bed).
Note that if your partner doesn’t have a lot of friends or doesn’t share much about your relationship with them, you can still run this thought experiment pretty easily. For example, most men don’t talk about their sex lives with their wives to their friends, at least not in detail, but if your husband did tell his friends what you guys do together, can you picture them thinking he is a lucky man? Even if they didn’t share his exact preferences, would they think, “”””This is a lucky guy, because his wife is good, giving, and game?”””” If not, perhaps this is why your husband isn’t trying as hard as you think he should.
The only way to have a happy marriage is for both people to give 100%, not 50% each, as discussed in this podcast. Ideally, you would be on the lookout for ways to make your partner feel loved and lucky on a daily basis, not meting out crumbs of affection on a tally system basis, so that nobody ends up out-trying anyone else. If you genuinely want a better marriage and a partner who deeply wants to make you happy, try being this person first. “”