A man must believe his wife is really attractive in order to keep feeling that spark that motivates him. A few pounds gained or some wrinkles will not usually matter to him, and he will continue to be attracted to her.However,Women are more squeamish than men overall. They are more responsive to weight gain, body odor, the feeling of sweat, seeing holes in a guy’s T shirt, and whatever else is “gross.” This means they need a larger margin of error for the decrease in attraction that they will feel when monogamy kicks in AND when their husband becomes more “gross” to them in all of these ways.
Given these two precepts, which do not apply to every single male and female on earth but are certainly common enough from what I see in therapy for me to call them “precepts,” we need to conclude that:
It is EVEN MORE IMPORTANT for women to marry men that they find highly attractive than for men to do the same IF the goal is an active sex life post-marriage.
Also, every woman deserves to feel adored, and this does in actuality correlate with how attractive a partner finds you, particularly for women. Men deserve to feel adored as well, but women’s adoration is often predicated on more factors than looks and sex appeal, so they have more to work with. When you are in the initial stages of dating, if you feel that a man is neutral or critical about your looks, get out of the relationship. This will always bother you (and bother him), and is likely to sabotage your relationship long term.
This is certainly true. A woman can still adore her husband if he is a great provider and protector. She will make his favorite meals and tell the kids that Daddy is a great guy and they are lucky he is their Daddy. But she will NOT have awesome sex with him, even when she is ovulating, if she does not also think he is handsome and sexy. Really, this means objectively sexy, including sexy to other women (which activates a mate-guarding instinct).
So let’s look at some more precepts:
Men need to think their wives are really hot in order to be motivated to be good husbands in the ways their wives want. Examples: taking the kids camping; doing more than their share of housework; complimenting her outfits, cooking, parenting, and career performance; giving her back rubs; watching shows together and discussing them.
Women need to think their husbands are really hot in order to be motivated to be good wives in the way their husbands want: having enthusiastic sex. Thus you need to get a man EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE than you “need” him to be, in order to account for the decrement in desire that you will face when monotogamy sets in.
If you are a single woman, you want to look for a man who thinks you’re hot so that he is devoted and loving. He doesn’t need to think you are a supermodel. But he needs to want to touch you when he sees you. He needs to be wowed when you dress up for a date. And he needs to verbalize this, or show it on his face, in an unmistakable way that even you, with your insecurity borne of a media that fetishizes supermodels, cannot argue with.
And if you are a single man, look for a woman who thinks you’re objectively cute (way to figure this out: if she thinks other women are or would be attracted to you). This is hard for a lot of you guys that identify as workhorses and think that your value is predicated on your paycheck and your ability to mow the lawn and refinance your mortgages. But every man deserves to feel adored just as every woman does. If you really cannot conceive that any women would feel this way about you, start therapy right now. I firmly believe that every human who wants love in this age of dating apps can find it. If you think you’re unworthy, this is for sure some unexplored childhood stuff and you deserve to slough it off and emerge as your best and healthiest self. Today, not tomorrow.”