In a more loving situation, how would you handle your housework?

You are sabotaging your own chances at happiness as well as the likelihood of having a healthy marriage when you focus on how poorly the housework was done instead of seeing what your husband does well and how he expresses his love effectively in other areas. When it comes to wiping the counter, many men do the following:

manage all of the money
get you nice gifts
be a great and loving dad to your kids
make you feel attractive and desired
work hard at a stressful job so you can work less
do the yardwork and home repairs
And so forth. If you allowed yourself to see these positive things rather than the negative parts of his housework capabilities, you might end up happier and acting more loving, which would lead him to do even nicer things for you, and this would be an upward spiral that exists in direct contrast to the vicious cycle described earlier.

If your husband does not meet your love languages in other domains, this could also be addressed instead of obsessing about housework or division of labor (especially because if the woman thinks there are 20 things to do this afternoon and the man thinks there are 5 things to do, “equitable division of labor” is meaningless as there is no agreed-upon scope of work). If your husband did more romantic things, you might not give a flying F about the counter. If he told you why he loves you every day, you might be so happy that you don’t even remember to tally up the number of chores each person did that day.

Discuss this article with your partner if housework has been a main point of contention in your marriage. Think about whether there are other ways your husband cares for you that you’ve been minimizing due to your focus on housework (read this if he says “nothing is ever good enough” for you). Explore whether there are other things he may not do already but could potentially do that would make you feel so deeply loved that the housework wouldn’t carry the same emotional weight anymore. Would housework remain a proxy variable for love/commitment/respect if your deeper needs were fulfilled? (Thought experiment: if you were having a passionate love affair, would you care as much about vacuuming?)


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