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Women! Can’t live with them, can’t divorce them without a crushing sense of failure. (Kidding, but not fully.) I have written extensively about
how to make your wife happy (and
how to do it in five minutes a day), but some wives just still aren’t happy, for whatever crazy reason. So, instead of heading off to the guest room again, let’s discuss one key way to make your wife love you like she used to.,Here, I write about the
“Mr. Perfect and His Crazy Wife” dynamic. If anything about this dynamic resonates with you, or your wife ever called you self-absorbed, self-centered, narcissistic, arrogant, or a jerk, then here is one key way to transform your marriage.,
,Drum roll.,Take a half hour, and, with the same assiduous attention to detail that you display on the job, write a list of ways that you may have been a jerk throughout your marriage. All of the things on this list have to be examples that you have previously defended to the death, swearing on all that is holy that you were NOT being a jerk. As you can imagine, therefore, your list may be short. Here are some examples:,And so forth. Now, if your wife is the self-absorbed one in the marriage, then you have probably already apologized for and owned your stuff, and she is the one that should be doing this exercise. But, if you have been accused of being a
narcissist, then it is likely that you are the spouse who needs to take an objective look at his behavior, and who may need to own it and apologize.,Note that I am
not big on being PC and therefore I am not scared to say that men tend to think less about past
empathic ruptures than women do. In my decade-plus of clinical experience, I have learned that women, perhaps due to higher rates of
depression and
anxiety, ruminate more about things from the past than men tend to (likely because rumination is a symptom of both depression and anxiety), and/or express this resentment more readily. But, if your dynamic is such that husband is the one who repeatedly says there are certain things you did that he cannot get over, and you have been called selfish by people in your life, and you want to work on the marriage as best you can, sit down and create this list for him!,There are very few people that will look at a list of ways that their partner has messed up and not feel validated and even touched. If your wife is among them, then either she is really emotionally checked out (and you should get yourselves to
couples counseling) or she is genuinely someone for whom
nothing is ever good enough. And you know what, even if your wife has a heart of stone and could care less about you taking responsibility for your own contribution to your marital issues, then learning to notice, own, and apologize for your own shoddy behavior within relationships will help you in countless other ways in your life, such as with coworkers, your
children, your friends and family.,Try the jerk method and see if it helps your relationship, or at least surprises your wife. Changing up your behavior can never be a bad thing within a stale or unhappy marriage, and women are suckers for honesty and authenticity. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, If She’s Really Into Honest Conversation, Buy
My Book For More Prompts.,For therapy,
go here for Dr. Whiten and
go here for other clinicians in her group practice
Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten,
go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books,
52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and
How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to
The Dr. Psych Mom Show on
Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.,This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person.,comments
