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As a couples therapist, I see many people let themselves go within marriage, and that’s
not appealing to either gender. So, men, it is great to work out and try to be as attractive as possible to your wife. But some of you husbands work out and get in great shape and forget that in order to want sex, women have to want SEX. Not just want to be situated in a bed with a man with muscles. The only way that women will want more sex is for sex to be great. That’s why many men notice that working out actually makes no change in their sex life (and in some cases
as discussed here, actually makes it worse).,,For the majority of women I speak to, sex is mediocre, and this is not just because of
libido decreasing within marriage. This is because most men do not know what women want in bed (you should, because I’ve discussed it one million times like
here). The women themselves often feel
too shy and awkward to mention what they want, or they have no idea because they have limited experience. But in reality, having sex with a man in bad shape, unless he is truly in such bad shape that he has no stamina at all, is not that different from having sex with a man in good shape. If you want to move the needle, you need to focus on getting better in bed. (Note that monogamous women
do not usually think much about whether or not their sex life is mindblowing, but if it is consistently subpar, then this post is for you.),Foreplay is a massive part of better sex. So is
being more in charge. But from working in depth on these things with many couples, I see that there is a huge deficit in sex technique as well. Men often think that their knowledge of the clitoris makes them good in bed. This would be like saying that your wife’s cognizance of the existence of your penis makes HER good in bed. (Don’t worry, I understand that women are bad in bed too, which is why I did
my blowjob podcast.) This is the starting point (not literally! Never touch a clitoris early in the game!), not the sum total of what you need to know and do.,There is a site OMGYes which I don’t subscribe to but a reader in
my Facebook group suggested it, and when I looked at it briefly, at least the part they share for free, it seemed like it talked about types of touching and could be very helpful to men. So can my info about
what Highly Sensitive Women want in bed, even if yours isn’t highly sensitive. Also this about
sex in the dark, which touches on far more than that. Overall, you should be able to give your wife an hour of buildup before you even touch her vagina at all. I read a statistic that 1-15% of women can have
nipple orgasms. It’s probably like 50% but nobody knows so nobody tries. That was a joke but only somewhat.,My point here is that just because you are in good shape IN NO WAY means that your wife will want more sex. Your wife will want more sex if the sex she is given is amazing and makes her feel happy to be alive and to be in possession of a vagina. I think that for a lot of young men in particular, being with a super hot woman would be the pinnacle of their sexual life even if she just laid there, so they think there’s something analogous at play with women. There isn’t. Most women have completely different lists of hotness of past boyfriends and sexual aptitude of past boyfriends, and there is not much overlap in the rankings. And by the way, your wife can even have this list if she was a virgin when she got married, as long as she made out with some guys at least, because much of what turns women on is foreplay.,If you are great at kissing, and great at turning your wife on with touching her breasts and/or other parts of her body, and then, MUCH LATER, LIKE A HALF HOUR LATER, you have a full working knowledge of her vagina, and
you understand edging, or bringing her to the brink of orgasm and back, and you can
say exciting things, you are going to be better in bed than the majority of men. It has VERY little to do with how long you can have penis-in-vagina intercourse, although if you only last a minute or two, you will want to explore the
start stop method for yourself, which is honestly also just edging. Incidentally, it was some BS that there are no peer reviewed articles that came up about edging women with my cursory search, but there was this one right away about premature ejaculation. Women’s orgasms are just as important as men’s!,Also stop with the vibrator. If you can’t get your wife off without a vibrator, you can’t get your wife off. Ask her to take a hiatus with the vibrator and with masturbating (
both of you) so that you can actually explore her body and learn to give her the sex she wants. If you become a source of tremendous sexual pleasure for your wife, she will initiate sex
even in the absence of spontaneous desire, because she is trained to associate you with physical pleasure, escape, release, and endorphins. This is why some women are in a bad mood when their husbands travel, because there is no possibility of sex. It is not because they don’t have a muscular man to look at during that time.,If this spoke to you, do a deep dive into how you can be a better partner, and stop waiting for things to change just because you can bench press a lot. For some women, the guy looking hot is necessary but not sufficient. For some it is unnecessary and insufficient. For no woman is it enough to make sex something they yearn for. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, There’s Nothing Like Doing Sex Therapy To Make You Realize This Stuff Should Be Taught In Highschool Sex Ed.,For therapy,
go here for Dr. Whiten and
go here for other clinicians in her group practice
Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten,
go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books,
52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and
How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to
The Dr. Psych Mom Show on
Spotify,
Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts.,This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person.,comments
